Rat Rabies Part 1

          Now this story took place when I was a young teen at my uncles pig roast party. It was this big family event we used to have, but I think it was stopped because it seemed like each year something would go horribly wrong. This year, I would be the cause of the problem again. My family lives in the country, so we were all out playing in the woods while the adults were in the back yard. I was roaming around on my own when a group of the younger kids came running up to me.
          They told me that their was an animal that they thought was hurt and wanted me to look at it. The reason they grabbed me was because I was good with animals and at the time wanted to become a veterinarian. I had them lead me through the trees and bushes until they brought me to something lying on the ground. I leaned down and saw that it was a rat just sitting in the grass.
          Thinking that it should have run away, I assumed that it was hurt. I could clearly see that it was breathing, but it wasn't moving. I reached my hand out and went to touch it. It didn't really react when I rubbed it's back, so I decided to go a step further. I went ahead and scooped him up in my hands. As I started to life him up, I felt a sharp pain in one of my fingers. Instinctively, I let go of him. But instead of falling to the ground, he was dangling in the air with his teeth sunk into my finger. I shook my hand until he eventually fell off. I than made my way for the house to see if somebody could help me out.
          I didn't want my mom to know what had happened, so I decided the only person I could turn to was my older cousin Charles. After showing him the bite, he made sure to pour Hydrogen Pry-oxide on it to clean it up. Somehow my parents found out I had been bitten and called 911 for help. It was at this point that I learned what rabies was. This story will be concluded in the next post.

The One Ring

          This story occurred about three years ago in one of my classes at college. We were all in class when our teacher was telling us about a personal story. She explained how she had this guy friend who bought a very expensive ring that he was going to use when proposing to his girlfriend. After getting through their date, he went and proposed to her. Unfortunately, the girl didn't accept his proposal and they stopped seeing one another. "So now" my teacher said "he has this ring that he spent all this money on and doesn't know what to do with it."
          Students started saying things like "what a waste of money" and "why would you pay so much for a ring". I looked around with confusion at everyone, I couldn't figure out what the big deal was with the ring. Eventually I decided to speak my mind. "So what?" I asked "Just save the ring for the next girl that comes along." Everyone in the room looked at me like I was a monster. I had no idea what I said to upset them.
          "Chris" my teacher said "That is a terrible thing to say". "Why?" I asked "Just hold onto the ring and give it to the next girl that you want to propose to. What's the big deal?" "Chris" my friend Amanda said "He bought that ring out of his love for her". Without hesitation I said "And that love will still be there when he gives it to the next girl". "But Chris" another student said "That ring was meant to be for her and no one else". "Well" I said "What about grandmothers that let their grandsons propose with their ring". "Thats different" the kid said. "Not by much" I said "In fact that's even worse, because in the case of the grandmother the deal was sealed. Where as with the girl, the ring never really belonged to her in the first place". They didn't bother to argue the point much further. To this day I still don't see the problem with what I said. As far as I'm concerned, you're not hurting anybody by doing this and you're saving money. The way I see it, it's a win-win for everyone.

Bite Sized Debate Part 2

          Dave eventually lifted his head up from his hands. "There is no way" he started "There is no f-cken way two people can be this dumb". I sat laughing in the car as he continued, while pointing his finger at me. "You know what?" he said "I bet you're f-cking with me right now. No, I know you're f-cking with me, and it's p-ssing me off". "How am I f-cking with you?" I asked "He said I was right".  "NO HE DIDN"T!" Dave nearly yelled "Nobody is stupid enough to believe that Jewish babies have their wieners bitten off by a rabbi!". "No! no!" I said "Not the wiener, the-" "I KNOW!" said Dave "The point is you're making this whole thing up". "Would you like me to call him back?" I asked "You can talk to him yourself". "No, I don't want to talk to him" Dave said "You're both morons and that's all there is to it." "You're just mad that you're now losing the argument" I laughed. "There is no argument" he said "You can't argue about something that doesn't happen. Further more, how am I now losing?" "Well" I said "As of right now, you, your dad, and Bret, don't think that this happens. Meanwhile, myself, my roommate, a radio host, and at least five different listeners say that it happens. So due to the fact that we outnumber you, you lose the argument". "Shut up"! Just shut up!" Dave said "I'm ending this whole debate right now. I can feel myself getting dumber by the second". "OK" I said "So you admit defeat?" "SHUT UP!" he yelled. I kept laughing until we made it back to his house.

Bite Sized Debate Part 1

WARNING: Some people may find this post offensive, but it isn't meant to be

          This story took place during a car ride with my friend Dave. We were having a conversation regarding a camping trip we had taken with Dave's father and another friend of ours. During this trip I had asked our friend Bret if there was any truth to a claim I had heard on the radio. I had heard that Jewish babies are circumcised by having the rabbi bite off their foreskin off. He than has to suck the blood off in order to get them cleaned up. Bret looked like a deer caught in the headlights and couldn't even answer my question. The rest of the night I was made fun of for believing something so dumb. Now Dave and I were in the car talking about that conversation.
          Dave looked at me and said "I can't believe you asked Bret that question that night. How could you have believed something like that actually happens". Dave studied the look on my face. "Oh my God" he said "You still think it's true don't you?". "Well" I said "there were a few callers that said there was some truth to the claim". "Dude" Dave said "there is no way something like that would happen". "But some people did say that this actually occurs" I said. "Chris" Dave said "Bret is Jewish, I think he'd know if something like that actually happens". "Yea" I said "But maybe there are different practices of Jewish culture. Like Catholics and Protestants, both are considered to be Christian, yet they differ in beliefs." "Even if that were the case, something like that wouldn't even be legal" Dave argued. "Well it happens anyway" I said. "NO IT DOESN'T!" Dave said, now getting frustrated "No person in their right mind would believe that this is true". "Than I guess there are some screwed up people out there, cause they say it's true" I said. "That does it" said Dave "Get your phone out and call your roommate. I want you to ask him about it and see what he says. He is gonna laugh in your face". "OK I will" I said as I took out my phone and dialed. Dave waited eagerly to see me eat my words. "Hey man" I said as my friend picked up "I got a question for you. Isn't it true that Jewish babies are circumcised by having the rabbi bite off their foreskin? It is? I thoughts so. Thanks. Talk to you later". Dave's face had dropped into his hand, he hates losing arguments. I put my phone away and looked at Dave with a smile on my face. "Well" I said "What do you have to say now?" This story will be concluded in the next post.

I Thought I Told You Not To Kill Anybody? Part 2

          As a heads up, I am going to start this post off at the end of the story. Than I will bounce back to where I left off at the end of the last post. I think it will make the story funnier this way and add creativity to it. So at this point in the story I have just made it back to my apartment after doing the presentation. I walked into my apartment to find my roommate Brian and my friend Brittany hanging out on the couch watching TV. Brian knew about my presentation that day and the rule that my teacher had about killing characters. Seeing me laughing to myself as I walked in he asked "How many characters did you kill off?". With a smile I looked at him and said "ALL OF THEM".  He started cracking up and we pounded fists together. As I took off my jacket I said "You know, I didn't even know it was possible to be sent to a teachers office in college". "Oh my God Chris" said Brittany "What did you do?".
          Now I'm going to bounce back to where I left off so you can all know what I did. So as I said in the last post, I needed to explain some things to the class before giving away my plot. I explained that my main character was an individual that gained the ability to see ghosts after witnessing the death of his parents and sister. However, I made the argument that because their deaths didn't take place during the actual story line, I didn't kill any characters in the script. After explaining the rest of the plot, I told the class how the main character will fail to save his girl friend. First she is killed by the bad guys, than the man commits suicide to be with her. I made sure to point out that even though they died, I would allow them to live on as spirits. So this means I shouldn't be breaking the rules, since our teachers definition of death is when a character is wiped from the story.
          After I was done talking, my friend Mike said "There is a loophole to every rule and Chris just found it". The class gave me their mixed responses as the teacher sat quietly staring at me. Finally, he said to me "Chris, come speak to me after class". "Wow" I thought "I haven't heard those words since high school". When the class was over, my teacher said that he wanted to speak to me in his office. His complaint was that not only did I kill off a character, I killed off every single one that I mentioned in the presentation. So we sat down and had a nice little chat about how I could change up the story so that nobody dies. I am currently working on this script for my final.

I Thought I Told You Not To Kill Anybody? Part 1

          This story took place just a couple weeks ago. So for this semester at college I have to take a script writing class. Now I've already done this at my last college, but I have to do it again because the credits didn't transfer. Anyway, in this course you have to come up with and create scripts for fictitious stories that you want to write about. Now at first glance, this class was going to be way too easy for me. I've been making up and writing stories as far back as I can remember. I mean we're talking back in kindergarden. But than our teacher gave us a rule that was like a punch in the gut for me.
          He told us that at no point in our stories were we allowed to kill any of our characters. He thought it was a cheap way to get rid of them. Now of all the stories I've written in my life, 90 to 95% of them were horror stories. And when I write a story, somebody usually has to die. So it has been pretty hard for me to follow the rules. For our past two or three assignments, I've played ball. I've written scripts that, while outrages at times, did stick within the realm of what is possible and kept them away from the horror genre with no dead characters.
          But when we were told that we had to write a thirty page script for our final, I decided that it was time for me to bend the rules a bit. Believe me when I tell you that the gloves were coming off for this script. Now they were going to see the kind of story that I usually write about. I already knew what I wanted my story to be about, the only trick was how I was going to stay within my teachers rules of killing off characters. We would also need to pitch our story to the class to see what they thought about it. After a lot of thinking and planning, I felt had come up with a reasonable way to get away with killing the characters in my story. All I needed to do was convince my teacher and classmates the day we had present our plan.
          On the day of our presentation, all the kids were asked to put their desks in a circle. Than one by one, each student had their chance to present their idea to the class. Than the class was supposed to give them some feedback about their plan. Eventually, it was my turn to present. Having heard my other stories, most of the class knew I must of had something crazy planned. With a big smile on my face I started talking. "OK" I said "Before I even start telling you what my story is about, I think I should explain a few things first". At that my friend Mike started laughing "Oh no!". This story will be concluded in the next post.

TSA Scanner

          This story took place during a talk radio show I was on called The Brian Nole Show. For the topic of the show, we decided that we were going to talk about the TSA Scans going on at the airports. Being one of the three hosts, I took the liberty of inviting my friend Dave and his girlfriend to the studio to see what we do. Dave accepted my offer to join us on the mic and participate in our conversation. Unlike our main host Brian, Dave was a suporter of the TSA Scanning and I thought it would be good to have him on the show so we could have some conflict.
          After introducing Dave to Brian, I got Dave set up with a mic in the interview room, which is seperate from the on-air studio. I made sure I was sitting at the mic next to him. Now Dave can be extremely shy, so he was a bit nervouse about going on the air. I assured him that everything would be fine and that he had nothing to worry about. Now the debate between Dave and Brian had been pre-planned for the show, so there was no backing out. The show got underway and we all started off by introducing ourselves and Dave.
          Eventually it got to the point where Brian started introducing stories regarding the TSA, so Dave knew he would get his chance to speak soon. However, the evidence for Brians point of view was a little harder for Dave to counter than he thought. For example, Brian talked about how a girl had been reported chained to a chair and crying because she was uncomfortable with the procedure. She was also laughed at by the agents due to her behavior. In another example, Brian told how elderly people were humiliated by being asked to strip down so that they could be searched.
          As Brian continued, Daves eye got bigger and bigger. I couldn't help but sit there laughing at the look on his face. When Dave heard enough he pushed the mic away from his face and whisperred to me "I can't do this".  Because we were in a seperate room, Brian couldn't hear what we were saying. "Oh come on" I said "go for it". "He just said a girl was CHAINED to a chair CRYING" Dave continued "how am I supposed to fight that". When Dave started questioning me about Brian's point of view I said "Well, it's not so much that he's against the TSA, but more about how they abuse their authority." "What? I hate you" Dave said. "Why?" I asked still laughing. "You mislead me you -sshole" Dave responded. "No I didn't" I said "he is against the TSA's activities".
          Dave sat there cursing me under his breath "You son of a b-tch I hate you". It got to the point where I thought he was going to walk out of the room, but I was able to convince him to stay. When Brian was done his little rant regarding the TSA, he turned to Dave and said "So Dave, what are your thoughts on this?". After a few seconds to think, he started talking.
          Dave did pretty good considering Brian had pretty much made it seem like Dave was supporting the bad guys. His whole argument was that because what they were doing was for peoples safety, the TSA shouldn't be judged too harshly. As Dave's confidence built up, he was actually able to put Brian in a few awkward position using hard questions. So I felt the show was a success and I had gotten a big laugh out of it.
Here's a link to our Facebook Fan Page of The Brian Nole Show:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Brian-Nole-Show/143332742361283

Grand Theft Auto

          This is going to be a short story about a miss understanding that took place at my last college a couple years ago. I was hanging out in the student center doing my homework, when this guy I occasionally talked to saw me in there. He decided to sit down at a table that was across from me and started talking. Being obnoxiously loud, just about everyone in the room was able to hear him. We had been talking about the video game Grand Theft Auto earlier, which is why he didn't bother to mention that we were still talking about it.
          "Hey Chris" he said "Have you ever killed a hooker?" That comment alone made a few people turn their heads to us. He continued talking after I didn't respond. "I killed a hooker the other day" he said "It was so much fun". Now even more people were staring at us. "After I was done paying her for sex, I got out of the car and shot her" he continued "Than I was able to get my money back and drive away in stolen car". Just about every person in the room was looking at us at this point.
          As badly as I wanted to get out of there, I decided I needed to say something before somebody called the police. "He's talking about a video game" I said to everyone "None of this actually happened". Thankfully that explanation was able to relieve some of the tension in the room. As he continued to talk about the different acts of violence he committed in the game, I decided that I needed to leave. So I made up some excuse about why I needed to go and left him there. I wonder what happened after I was gone.

Big Brother To The Rescue Part 3

          I walked into the room and knelt down beside my sister. I than shook her by the shoulder to wake her up. Thankfully she opened her eyes and started talking to me. I than helped her get up and back into her bed. She than told me that she felt like she was going to be sick. I happened to have her boyfriend around and had him hold a bucket for her. I had to quickly go off and take care of something.
          I came back and saw my sister with her head in the bucked and her boyfriend barely able to hold it still. For some reason he started tilting the bucket on an angle so that she could get her head in better. I had to stop the whole thing when I realized he was going to end up pouring her vomit back on her. As I tried to tuck her in again, some of her friends came up to see how she was doing. After making sure she was okay and complimenting me for being such a good brother, I had everyone leave the room and turned out the lights. I only checked on her a few more times afterward to make sure she was still OK.
          Eventually, I had to go to sleep because I had a DJ-ing gig the next morning that was over an hour away. I just let the party continue and hoped that I would still have a house in the morning. At one point I woke up during the night and thought that the police had come to our house. But when I didn't see any in the driveway, I decided to just go back to sleep. The next morning I woke up to the sound of the phone ringing. As expected, I picked it up to hear my mom on the other end.
          I had been plotting out what I wanted to say to them while I had been falling asleep that night. I wanted to vent my frustration at being thrown into this whole situation."You listen, and you listen good" I started "First, you are both f-cking retarded if you think nothing bad happened here last night. Second, I don't want to ever have to hold my sisters lifeless body in my arms again". "What are you talking about?" my mom stammered "You said last night that everything was fine". "Well no sh-t" I responded "Like it would have done any good if I had told you Chelsea was unconscious". We talked a bit longer and than hung up the phone. I than got myself dressed for work and went downstairs.
          I was greeted by a bunch of teens sleeping in various locations around my house with cans and bottles laying around. There was at least one location where someone had puked on the floor. "OH MY GOD" I thought "If dad saw this he would absolutely flip". I would have loved to of been there when my parents got home, but I had to be heading off.
          After I was done DJ-ing, I came back home to find my parents hanging in the living room. I soon came to the realization that they weren't entirely aware of what had happened last night. It took me all of thirty seconds for me to decide if I wanted to tell them what had occurred with my sister. I could care less about ratting her out, she owed me big time for what I had to deal with that night.