Moving In Part 1

          This story took place a few days ago. My friend Dave and I were helping his girlfriend Meredith and her mother move into their new home. What was strange about this new house that they moved into was that the previous owners left everything they owned at the house. They even left their two cats, one of which has diabetes and needs to get a shot as treatment each day. Being the cat lover that I am, I wasn't to thrilled to see that they had abandoned their pets. I hope for their sake they never meet or speak to me because I will make them feel like the scum of the earth. There is no excuse for leaving their pets behind like that, especially when one has medical condition.
          Anyway, after moving in as much stuff as we could, we had to find a way to get the one cat inside so that we could give it it's shot. Since I was the cat lover of the group I was the one to go out and try to get them. I had managed to make friends with the one cat, but the other cat that we needed was too skittish. I tried different ways to get him into the house, but nothing worked. We saw that the cat was standing at the corner of the house by the front door.
          "That does it" I said "Dave you hold the front door open, I'm going around back and I'm going to shew him from behind and hopefully he'll run inside". Dave went to the front door and opened it up, while I went out the back door. I made my way around the house and saw the cat sitting there. The others were calling the cat at the front door. It was perfect, he had no idea I was there. But unbeknownst to us, an unwelcome guest was about to ruin everything. This story will be concluded in the next post.

Unarmed

          This story took place in Boston quite a few years back. My mom and I had been invited to a reunion at Boston's Children's Hospital due to my medical history there. So my mom, her friend, and I went up there to to see how everyone was doing. While we were there we talked with all the doctors and the occasional patient that we knew. The party happened to be outside and I was a little cold that day just wearing a T-shirt. To keep myself warm I stuck my arms on the inside of my shirt.
          "Chris" my mom said "Take your arms out of your shirt, people are staring". "No, I'm cold" I said. I thought my mom wanted me to take my arms out cause I looked immature, I didn't realize until later what was so wrong with what I was doing. It turns out that because we were at a hospital reunion, I looked like some kind of patient that had lost both of his arms. Of course this thought never registered in my brain. I just sat there next to my mom with my arms wrapped around myself inside my shirt.
          My mom's friend apparently didn't make the connection regarding my arms either. She sat next to us at our table after grabbing some food. After noticing me, she turned and jokingly said "Hey Chris, would you like me to feed you". She took something off her plate and moved it towards my mouth. Before I could bite down, she pulled it away. Again, she went to give the food to me, but than pulled away again. "Come on Chris" she laughed "You almost got it". The people around us stared mortified at what appeared to be some woman making fun of an armless kid. Even the people that my mom had been talking to were staring at us. Eventually, my moms friend let me eat whatever it was she was feeding me.
          "You want another Chris" she said. We started the whole process of cat and mouse again and disturbed even more people. When my moms friend stopped feeding me, she had no clue what she had done. It wasn't until later on that my mom explained to us both what we had done wrong. My moms friend and I started cracking up together.

EARTHQUAKE! Part 2

          We all stayed outside a little longer just incase there were any aftershocks. Eventually we decided that someone had to go back inside. We decided that we would grab what we needed out of the house and just spend our time outside until we got further news about what was going on. Since I was the only male adult available, I chosen to go back inside to see if it was safe. "OK Chris" my mom said "go ahead". I didn't mind, in my haste I had accidently left two valuables of mine in the house and I was eager to get back in the house to retrieve them.
          I slowly made my way up the stares. I have to be honest, the idea of dying from a house falling on me wasn't too appealing to me. "Chris" my mom said "If things start shaking, come running right back outside". "OK mom" I said. I stepped into the house and looked around. Once I felt ready I took off, I quickly made my way up the stairs to retrieve my two items. While I was busy at work upstairs, my mom and her friend had come into the house to collect their things.
          As my mom made her way up the stairs, she saw me come flying back down. Under my one arm was my laptop and under the other was my Xbox 360, along with a trail of cords behind me. "You are sick" my mom laughed as I ran passed. "Hey" I said "these are my most valuable items, I am not going to let them be destroyed when this house comes down". After locking my laptop and Xbox safely in my car, I ran back in to grab my clothes and other accessories.
          Once we got what we needed we all went back outside with our things. We tried making calls to other people people, but the phones were jammed. After we finally got some more information about what was going on, we decided that we would eat some lunch and than go home.
          While eating lunch I gave my friend Dave a call. He told me that he had been eating lunch in his car when the ground started shaking. I told him how the first thing I grabbed upon getting into the house was my Xbox 360 and laptop. "YOU ARE PATHETIC!" he yelled "YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY PATHETIC!" I started cracking up. "SHUT UP CHRIS, IT'S NOT FUNNY" he continued "IT IS JUST SAD AND PATHETIC! HOW IS IT THE FIRST THING YOU GRAB IS YOUR XBOX AND LAPTOP! YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE!". After he was done ranting, we talked a bit longer than hung up. In the end we all decided to leave the beach house and go home.

EARTHQUAKE! Part 1

          I'm going to share with you what happened with me when the earthquake that took place this summer hit NJ. I was at my parents beach house with my mom, her friend, her friends daughter, and her friends daughters friend. So I was on the top floor of the house eating my breakfast at the counter. I was talking to my mom's friend who was eating in the kitchen and my mom was in her room. Next thing I know, I feel the whole house swaying back and forth. I felt like I was in some kind of funhouse as we shook. When it stopped, I sat in my chair confused about what had happened.
          My mom's friend looked at me with a worried face and said "Chris, has that happened before". "No" I said. "What the hell was that?" I thought to myself quietly "Must have been a strong wind. But there's no way wind could shake an entire house. Maybe the structure of the house is weak and that's why the wind was able to move it. What moron would build a house so unstable that it could be moved by a gust of wind". As I pondered what had happened my mom came out of her room. "Did you guys feel that?" she asked. "Yea" we said. "Has this happened before?" my moms friend asked my mom. "No, never" my mom said. My moms friend headed for the stairs. "We need to get out of this house right now, I think we just had an earthquake" she said. "What, no way" I thought "we don't get earthquakes in NJ". The thought of an earthquake had never even entered my brain earlier. Still, I decided to follow the rest of them outside.
          When we got outside others were walking out of their house. "Hey" some guy that was across from us yelled "did your house just shake?" "Yea" we said. "Mine too" he responded. "Yea" my moms friend said "we just had an earthquake". "COOL!" I thought to myself "My first earthquake". This story will be concluded in the next post.

I Lost My Phone

          This story is a short one that took place while I was walking from some store to my car. I was on my cellphone talking to my friend Dave at the time. I approached my car, unlocked it and hopped on in. I continued talking with him as I started reaching into my pockets to take out everything that I needed. I had my keys and my wallet, but than I realized that something was missing. "Oh sh-t!" I said "Oh sh-t". Dave heard me over the phone. "What's wrong?" he asked. As I quickly started looking around my car I responded to him "My phone Dave, I lost my phone". "What?" he asked. "MY PHONE!" I yelled "Do you hear me, I lost my phone".
          I double checked all the pockets in my jeans. "Dude" Dave said "You're talking on your phone right now". There was a bit of a pause until I responded "Oh yeah". Dave started cracking up. "No way did that just happen" he said "There is no f-cking way". He continued his laughing. "Well what do you want from me?" I asked said "I have a procedure when I get into my car. I take out my wallet, my keys, and my phone. But this time, the phone wasn't in my pocket." "But you were talking on it" he laughed "How could you possibly forget that". "Well I managed to" I said. We finished up our conversation and than hung up.

Failed Barefoot Water Skiing Attempt

          This story took place last summer when my family and I were down Long Beach Island. We were out on our wave runners and getting pulled from behind while using a knee board. The way this would work is a person would take the knee board and jump into the water behind the waver runner. Than while sitting on top of the board, they would be dragged through the water by holding onto a rope. Well after taking my turn on the board, I told them I wanted to try barefoot skiing.
          "Chris" my brother said "This isn't going to work". "Sure it will" I said while swimming to the handle at he end of the rope. I grabbed the handle and faced forward. I got myself in a sitting position with my feet held out in front of me. "OK, here's the plan" I said "When I say go, I want you to hit the gas and I'll catch the water with my feet. Than I'll be able to rise my self up to the surface and hopefully be able to remain standing. "You're not going to be able to do it" my dad said. "Yes I will" I said "Now when I say go, you go OK". "OK" my dad said.
          I braced myself by leaning back, gripping the handle tight, and keeping my feet up. "OK GO!" I yelled. My dad gunned the engine and I was pulled with so much force that I ended up in the exact opposite position from where I started. I was dragged head first under the water, while my legs were pulled from the front position of my body to the back. I felt like a torpedo that had been shot underwater.  It was a cool sensation to be moving under the water so fast. I could feel myself cutting through the water and heard the roar of the waves passing by. I probably should have just let go of the rope, but I didn't. I must have been under the water for only six seconds, though it felt longer.
          The rope had stopped pulling and a surfaced. I saw my brother and dad laughing. "What great idea that was" he said sarcastically. "OK" I said "We're going to try this again, but this time I want you to start slower". "Your crazy" my dad said "We're not doing it again, get on the wave runner". "Why not I?" I asked. "Cause you're not going to be able to do it, now hop on and let's go" he said. "Fine" I said and swam over. I hopped on the waive runner and we drove off.

Chinese Food

          This story took place at a little chinese restraint by my house a few years ago. Dave and I had gone inside to get ourselves some lunch. I had my usual chicken lo mein and he had chicken and broccoli. After we finished we walked up to the front to pay for our food. The cashier gave us the price and we each took out our wallets. As we looked through our cash we heard a sound that caught our attention. It was the sound of someone hacking something up in their throat. We looked up to see the cook spit directly into a pot of something cooking on the stove. Ignoring what we saw, Dave and I paid for our meal and walked out the door.
          As we got into the car Dave said "That was disgusting, I've never scene anything like that before in my life". We than started questioning each other about how our food tasted. We wondered if the guy had spit into our food as well. We got out of the parking lot and started making our way towards home. As we talked I made the mistake of saying "It's no wonder my parents never take us there to eat". Dave hit the brakes and pulled over to the side of the road. I looked around and asked "What's wrong?". "Get out of the car Chris" Dave said. "Why? What did I do?" I asked. "Why would you take us to a place you knew your parents don't like?" he asked. "To try something new" I said.
          A smile came over my face when the realization of what he was asking hit me. "Wait a sec" I said "Are you suggesting that I took us there because I knew the guy would spit in our food". I started laughing at the idea. "No" he said "What I'm asking is why you would take us to a place that you knew may have something wrong with it." "Well" I said through laughter "How the hell was supposed to know that they were spitting in food". "Stop laughing and get out of my car" Dave said half jokingly. "No seriously" I said "I had no idea they were doing that. Believe me if I did I wouldn't have taken us there". Dave eventually became convinced and we drove home, but he was completely grossed out about the idea he could have eaten someone else's spit.

The Most Honest Answer Anyone Could Have Ever Given

          This story took place last summer during the big hurricane scare. I was on my most recent camping trip with Dave and his father. We also had our friend Bret and a newcomer named Lee. So we were on this trip up north, in the middle of nowhere, knowing full well that the hurricane could be tearing our homes apart.
          Dave's dad wasn't too concerned, he felt that the media was just making a big deal out out of the whole thing. Dave was worried about the loss of his house since he lived by the beach. The other two were worried they were going to lose their cars because they had left them parked in Dave's driveway. I had decided to leave my car at Dave's dads house, which was on the mainland. So I figured the worst and best thing that could happen, would be if a tree fell on my car and I was be able to make an insurance claim.
          Anyway, it's the day the hurricane is supposed to be destroying New Jersey and we're all out fishing on a lake. Dave's dad was fishing in a small motor boat, while we had a bigger one. We used a pair of walky talkies to stay in contact with each other. All of a sudden we hear the crackling of the walky talky turning on. "Hey, Chris" I heard Dave's dads say. I walked over and picked up the walky talky. "Yea?" I asked. "I've got a question for you" he said "have you called you're parents yet?". "No" I said. "Why not?" he asked. "Cause I don't want to" I said. "Aren't you curious to see how they're doing?" he asked. "No" I answered. "But what if they're dead?" he jokingly said. "If they're dead, I don't want to know about it" I said "I'm having a good time right now and I don't need the news of their demise ruining it. I'll be able to find out if they're alive when we get back home and deal with it than, but right now I'm enjoying myself". Everyone burst out laughing after hearing that. "That is the most honest answer anyone could have ever given" Dave said through his laughter. Just so you're not left wondering, I did call my parents that night and they were fine.

Rat Rabies Part 2

          While my mom was calling the police, she made me go into my aunt and uncles house to wash my hands off. While I was washing, some lady saw me as she was walking by. "Did you hear what happened?" she asked. "What?" I asked. "Some kid out there was bit by a rat" she said "they think he may have gotten rabies from it." I stood there for a second silent. "Yea" I said "that was me". "Oh" she said "well make sure that you wash your hands good, the police should be here soon". "Thanks" I said. When I was done washing I went back out to my mom.
          Soon the police arrived in the driveway and asked to talk to me. While they were speaking to me they had someone go into the woods and bring back the rat so that it could be taken to a lab to see if it had rabies. We didn't need to leave the party, I just had to hang out with the officer in the driveway. He told me how if it turns out I do have rabies, I'm going to have to get five shots in the stomach. Now like most kids and some adults, I wasn't too thrilled about getting shots. So I hoped beyond hope that I wasn't infected.
          Eventually, they called the officer and told him that the rat didn't have rabies. The officer assured me that I was very lucky to have not been infected. We thanked him for his work and went back to face the other members of the party. Naturally, my family was relieved to find out I didn't have rabies.

Rat Rabies Part 1

          Now this story took place when I was a young teen at my uncles pig roast party. It was this big family event we used to have, but I think it was stopped because it seemed like each year something would go horribly wrong. This year, I would be the cause of the problem again. My family lives in the country, so we were all out playing in the woods while the adults were in the back yard. I was roaming around on my own when a group of the younger kids came running up to me.
          They told me that their was an animal that they thought was hurt and wanted me to look at it. The reason they grabbed me was because I was good with animals and at the time wanted to become a veterinarian. I had them lead me through the trees and bushes until they brought me to something lying on the ground. I leaned down and saw that it was a rat just sitting in the grass.
          Thinking that it should have run away, I assumed that it was hurt. I could clearly see that it was breathing, but it wasn't moving. I reached my hand out and went to touch it. It didn't really react when I rubbed it's back, so I decided to go a step further. I went ahead and scooped him up in my hands. As I started to life him up, I felt a sharp pain in one of my fingers. Instinctively, I let go of him. But instead of falling to the ground, he was dangling in the air with his teeth sunk into my finger. I shook my hand until he eventually fell off. I than made my way for the house to see if somebody could help me out.
          I didn't want my mom to know what had happened, so I decided the only person I could turn to was my older cousin Charles. After showing him the bite, he made sure to pour Hydrogen Pry-oxide on it to clean it up. Somehow my parents found out I had been bitten and called 911 for help. It was at this point that I learned what rabies was. This story will be concluded in the next post.

The One Ring

          This story occurred about three years ago in one of my classes at college. We were all in class when our teacher was telling us about a personal story. She explained how she had this guy friend who bought a very expensive ring that he was going to use when proposing to his girlfriend. After getting through their date, he went and proposed to her. Unfortunately, the girl didn't accept his proposal and they stopped seeing one another. "So now" my teacher said "he has this ring that he spent all this money on and doesn't know what to do with it."
          Students started saying things like "what a waste of money" and "why would you pay so much for a ring". I looked around with confusion at everyone, I couldn't figure out what the big deal was with the ring. Eventually I decided to speak my mind. "So what?" I asked "Just save the ring for the next girl that comes along." Everyone in the room looked at me like I was a monster. I had no idea what I said to upset them.
          "Chris" my teacher said "That is a terrible thing to say". "Why?" I asked "Just hold onto the ring and give it to the next girl that you want to propose to. What's the big deal?" "Chris" my friend Amanda said "He bought that ring out of his love for her". Without hesitation I said "And that love will still be there when he gives it to the next girl". "But Chris" another student said "That ring was meant to be for her and no one else". "Well" I said "What about grandmothers that let their grandsons propose with their ring". "Thats different" the kid said. "Not by much" I said "In fact that's even worse, because in the case of the grandmother the deal was sealed. Where as with the girl, the ring never really belonged to her in the first place". They didn't bother to argue the point much further. To this day I still don't see the problem with what I said. As far as I'm concerned, you're not hurting anybody by doing this and you're saving money. The way I see it, it's a win-win for everyone.

Bite Sized Debate Part 2

          Dave eventually lifted his head up from his hands. "There is no way" he started "There is no f-cken way two people can be this dumb". I sat laughing in the car as he continued, while pointing his finger at me. "You know what?" he said "I bet you're f-cking with me right now. No, I know you're f-cking with me, and it's p-ssing me off". "How am I f-cking with you?" I asked "He said I was right".  "NO HE DIDN"T!" Dave nearly yelled "Nobody is stupid enough to believe that Jewish babies have their wieners bitten off by a rabbi!". "No! no!" I said "Not the wiener, the-" "I KNOW!" said Dave "The point is you're making this whole thing up". "Would you like me to call him back?" I asked "You can talk to him yourself". "No, I don't want to talk to him" Dave said "You're both morons and that's all there is to it." "You're just mad that you're now losing the argument" I laughed. "There is no argument" he said "You can't argue about something that doesn't happen. Further more, how am I now losing?" "Well" I said "As of right now, you, your dad, and Bret, don't think that this happens. Meanwhile, myself, my roommate, a radio host, and at least five different listeners say that it happens. So due to the fact that we outnumber you, you lose the argument". "Shut up"! Just shut up!" Dave said "I'm ending this whole debate right now. I can feel myself getting dumber by the second". "OK" I said "So you admit defeat?" "SHUT UP!" he yelled. I kept laughing until we made it back to his house.

Bite Sized Debate Part 1

WARNING: Some people may find this post offensive, but it isn't meant to be

          This story took place during a car ride with my friend Dave. We were having a conversation regarding a camping trip we had taken with Dave's father and another friend of ours. During this trip I had asked our friend Bret if there was any truth to a claim I had heard on the radio. I had heard that Jewish babies are circumcised by having the rabbi bite off their foreskin off. He than has to suck the blood off in order to get them cleaned up. Bret looked like a deer caught in the headlights and couldn't even answer my question. The rest of the night I was made fun of for believing something so dumb. Now Dave and I were in the car talking about that conversation.
          Dave looked at me and said "I can't believe you asked Bret that question that night. How could you have believed something like that actually happens". Dave studied the look on my face. "Oh my God" he said "You still think it's true don't you?". "Well" I said "there were a few callers that said there was some truth to the claim". "Dude" Dave said "there is no way something like that would happen". "But some people did say that this actually occurs" I said. "Chris" Dave said "Bret is Jewish, I think he'd know if something like that actually happens". "Yea" I said "But maybe there are different practices of Jewish culture. Like Catholics and Protestants, both are considered to be Christian, yet they differ in beliefs." "Even if that were the case, something like that wouldn't even be legal" Dave argued. "Well it happens anyway" I said. "NO IT DOESN'T!" Dave said, now getting frustrated "No person in their right mind would believe that this is true". "Than I guess there are some screwed up people out there, cause they say it's true" I said. "That does it" said Dave "Get your phone out and call your roommate. I want you to ask him about it and see what he says. He is gonna laugh in your face". "OK I will" I said as I took out my phone and dialed. Dave waited eagerly to see me eat my words. "Hey man" I said as my friend picked up "I got a question for you. Isn't it true that Jewish babies are circumcised by having the rabbi bite off their foreskin? It is? I thoughts so. Thanks. Talk to you later". Dave's face had dropped into his hand, he hates losing arguments. I put my phone away and looked at Dave with a smile on my face. "Well" I said "What do you have to say now?" This story will be concluded in the next post.

I Thought I Told You Not To Kill Anybody? Part 2

          As a heads up, I am going to start this post off at the end of the story. Than I will bounce back to where I left off at the end of the last post. I think it will make the story funnier this way and add creativity to it. So at this point in the story I have just made it back to my apartment after doing the presentation. I walked into my apartment to find my roommate Brian and my friend Brittany hanging out on the couch watching TV. Brian knew about my presentation that day and the rule that my teacher had about killing characters. Seeing me laughing to myself as I walked in he asked "How many characters did you kill off?". With a smile I looked at him and said "ALL OF THEM".  He started cracking up and we pounded fists together. As I took off my jacket I said "You know, I didn't even know it was possible to be sent to a teachers office in college". "Oh my God Chris" said Brittany "What did you do?".
          Now I'm going to bounce back to where I left off so you can all know what I did. So as I said in the last post, I needed to explain some things to the class before giving away my plot. I explained that my main character was an individual that gained the ability to see ghosts after witnessing the death of his parents and sister. However, I made the argument that because their deaths didn't take place during the actual story line, I didn't kill any characters in the script. After explaining the rest of the plot, I told the class how the main character will fail to save his girl friend. First she is killed by the bad guys, than the man commits suicide to be with her. I made sure to point out that even though they died, I would allow them to live on as spirits. So this means I shouldn't be breaking the rules, since our teachers definition of death is when a character is wiped from the story.
          After I was done talking, my friend Mike said "There is a loophole to every rule and Chris just found it". The class gave me their mixed responses as the teacher sat quietly staring at me. Finally, he said to me "Chris, come speak to me after class". "Wow" I thought "I haven't heard those words since high school". When the class was over, my teacher said that he wanted to speak to me in his office. His complaint was that not only did I kill off a character, I killed off every single one that I mentioned in the presentation. So we sat down and had a nice little chat about how I could change up the story so that nobody dies. I am currently working on this script for my final.

I Thought I Told You Not To Kill Anybody? Part 1

          This story took place just a couple weeks ago. So for this semester at college I have to take a script writing class. Now I've already done this at my last college, but I have to do it again because the credits didn't transfer. Anyway, in this course you have to come up with and create scripts for fictitious stories that you want to write about. Now at first glance, this class was going to be way too easy for me. I've been making up and writing stories as far back as I can remember. I mean we're talking back in kindergarden. But than our teacher gave us a rule that was like a punch in the gut for me.
          He told us that at no point in our stories were we allowed to kill any of our characters. He thought it was a cheap way to get rid of them. Now of all the stories I've written in my life, 90 to 95% of them were horror stories. And when I write a story, somebody usually has to die. So it has been pretty hard for me to follow the rules. For our past two or three assignments, I've played ball. I've written scripts that, while outrages at times, did stick within the realm of what is possible and kept them away from the horror genre with no dead characters.
          But when we were told that we had to write a thirty page script for our final, I decided that it was time for me to bend the rules a bit. Believe me when I tell you that the gloves were coming off for this script. Now they were going to see the kind of story that I usually write about. I already knew what I wanted my story to be about, the only trick was how I was going to stay within my teachers rules of killing off characters. We would also need to pitch our story to the class to see what they thought about it. After a lot of thinking and planning, I felt had come up with a reasonable way to get away with killing the characters in my story. All I needed to do was convince my teacher and classmates the day we had present our plan.
          On the day of our presentation, all the kids were asked to put their desks in a circle. Than one by one, each student had their chance to present their idea to the class. Than the class was supposed to give them some feedback about their plan. Eventually, it was my turn to present. Having heard my other stories, most of the class knew I must of had something crazy planned. With a big smile on my face I started talking. "OK" I said "Before I even start telling you what my story is about, I think I should explain a few things first". At that my friend Mike started laughing "Oh no!". This story will be concluded in the next post.

TSA Scanner

          This story took place during a talk radio show I was on called The Brian Nole Show. For the topic of the show, we decided that we were going to talk about the TSA Scans going on at the airports. Being one of the three hosts, I took the liberty of inviting my friend Dave and his girlfriend to the studio to see what we do. Dave accepted my offer to join us on the mic and participate in our conversation. Unlike our main host Brian, Dave was a suporter of the TSA Scanning and I thought it would be good to have him on the show so we could have some conflict.
          After introducing Dave to Brian, I got Dave set up with a mic in the interview room, which is seperate from the on-air studio. I made sure I was sitting at the mic next to him. Now Dave can be extremely shy, so he was a bit nervouse about going on the air. I assured him that everything would be fine and that he had nothing to worry about. Now the debate between Dave and Brian had been pre-planned for the show, so there was no backing out. The show got underway and we all started off by introducing ourselves and Dave.
          Eventually it got to the point where Brian started introducing stories regarding the TSA, so Dave knew he would get his chance to speak soon. However, the evidence for Brians point of view was a little harder for Dave to counter than he thought. For example, Brian talked about how a girl had been reported chained to a chair and crying because she was uncomfortable with the procedure. She was also laughed at by the agents due to her behavior. In another example, Brian told how elderly people were humiliated by being asked to strip down so that they could be searched.
          As Brian continued, Daves eye got bigger and bigger. I couldn't help but sit there laughing at the look on his face. When Dave heard enough he pushed the mic away from his face and whisperred to me "I can't do this".  Because we were in a seperate room, Brian couldn't hear what we were saying. "Oh come on" I said "go for it". "He just said a girl was CHAINED to a chair CRYING" Dave continued "how am I supposed to fight that". When Dave started questioning me about Brian's point of view I said "Well, it's not so much that he's against the TSA, but more about how they abuse their authority." "What? I hate you" Dave said. "Why?" I asked still laughing. "You mislead me you -sshole" Dave responded. "No I didn't" I said "he is against the TSA's activities".
          Dave sat there cursing me under his breath "You son of a b-tch I hate you". It got to the point where I thought he was going to walk out of the room, but I was able to convince him to stay. When Brian was done his little rant regarding the TSA, he turned to Dave and said "So Dave, what are your thoughts on this?". After a few seconds to think, he started talking.
          Dave did pretty good considering Brian had pretty much made it seem like Dave was supporting the bad guys. His whole argument was that because what they were doing was for peoples safety, the TSA shouldn't be judged too harshly. As Dave's confidence built up, he was actually able to put Brian in a few awkward position using hard questions. So I felt the show was a success and I had gotten a big laugh out of it.
Here's a link to our Facebook Fan Page of The Brian Nole Show:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Brian-Nole-Show/143332742361283

Grand Theft Auto

          This is going to be a short story about a miss understanding that took place at my last college a couple years ago. I was hanging out in the student center doing my homework, when this guy I occasionally talked to saw me in there. He decided to sit down at a table that was across from me and started talking. Being obnoxiously loud, just about everyone in the room was able to hear him. We had been talking about the video game Grand Theft Auto earlier, which is why he didn't bother to mention that we were still talking about it.
          "Hey Chris" he said "Have you ever killed a hooker?" That comment alone made a few people turn their heads to us. He continued talking after I didn't respond. "I killed a hooker the other day" he said "It was so much fun". Now even more people were staring at us. "After I was done paying her for sex, I got out of the car and shot her" he continued "Than I was able to get my money back and drive away in stolen car". Just about every person in the room was looking at us at this point.
          As badly as I wanted to get out of there, I decided I needed to say something before somebody called the police. "He's talking about a video game" I said to everyone "None of this actually happened". Thankfully that explanation was able to relieve some of the tension in the room. As he continued to talk about the different acts of violence he committed in the game, I decided that I needed to leave. So I made up some excuse about why I needed to go and left him there. I wonder what happened after I was gone.

Big Brother To The Rescue Part 3

          I walked into the room and knelt down beside my sister. I than shook her by the shoulder to wake her up. Thankfully she opened her eyes and started talking to me. I than helped her get up and back into her bed. She than told me that she felt like she was going to be sick. I happened to have her boyfriend around and had him hold a bucket for her. I had to quickly go off and take care of something.
          I came back and saw my sister with her head in the bucked and her boyfriend barely able to hold it still. For some reason he started tilting the bucket on an angle so that she could get her head in better. I had to stop the whole thing when I realized he was going to end up pouring her vomit back on her. As I tried to tuck her in again, some of her friends came up to see how she was doing. After making sure she was okay and complimenting me for being such a good brother, I had everyone leave the room and turned out the lights. I only checked on her a few more times afterward to make sure she was still OK.
          Eventually, I had to go to sleep because I had a DJ-ing gig the next morning that was over an hour away. I just let the party continue and hoped that I would still have a house in the morning. At one point I woke up during the night and thought that the police had come to our house. But when I didn't see any in the driveway, I decided to just go back to sleep. The next morning I woke up to the sound of the phone ringing. As expected, I picked it up to hear my mom on the other end.
          I had been plotting out what I wanted to say to them while I had been falling asleep that night. I wanted to vent my frustration at being thrown into this whole situation."You listen, and you listen good" I started "First, you are both f-cking retarded if you think nothing bad happened here last night. Second, I don't want to ever have to hold my sisters lifeless body in my arms again". "What are you talking about?" my mom stammered "You said last night that everything was fine". "Well no sh-t" I responded "Like it would have done any good if I had told you Chelsea was unconscious". We talked a bit longer and than hung up the phone. I than got myself dressed for work and went downstairs.
          I was greeted by a bunch of teens sleeping in various locations around my house with cans and bottles laying around. There was at least one location where someone had puked on the floor. "OH MY GOD" I thought "If dad saw this he would absolutely flip". I would have loved to of been there when my parents got home, but I had to be heading off.
          After I was done DJ-ing, I came back home to find my parents hanging in the living room. I soon came to the realization that they weren't entirely aware of what had happened last night. It took me all of thirty seconds for me to decide if I wanted to tell them what had occurred with my sister. I could care less about ratting her out, she owed me big time for what I had to deal with that night.

Big Brother To The Rescue Part 2

          I started looking around the house to see where my sister's boyfriend was. I found him half drunk and messing around in the dinning room. After asking for his help we both walked into the bathroom to get her. He helped her up by one arm and I got the other. We both than led her into the hall and than up the stairs. Instead of taking her to her bedroom, we ended up taking her to the upstairs bathroom. After lowering her to the floor, she nearly collapsed on the ground. I think I remember her getting sick again and than laying back down.
          I tried telling her she needed to get to bed, but she didn't move from the ground. Her boyfriend tried telling her the same thing. He than grabbed her arm and tried to pull her up. But instead of sitting up, her limp body swung sideways and her head ended up smacking into the toilet bowl. She than dropped back to the floor again not moving.  Figuring he was too drunk to be of any use, I made her boyfriend get out of my way so I could help her.
          I than sat down and held her in my lap. It felt like I was holding a dead body. She was completely limp, her skin was white, and I could barely tell if she was breathing. The only thing that let me know she was alive was her pulse. I didn't know what to do and felt trapped. On the one hand I wanted to call 911 for help, but I had a bunch of minors running around my house with alcohol and God only knows what else. Since I was the oldest one there, I was convinced I would some how get in trouble for what was taking place.
          "F-ck" I thought to myself "I told my parents I didn't want to be here for this".  I bet that me drinking earlier was helping me to maintain my calm. Because if I hadn't, I would have completely lost my mind from the pressure and fear. I sat there a bit longer saying a silent prayer to myself. Eventually I decided to pick her up in my arms and take her to her bed. After laying her down, I left her in the room to sleep.
          I immediately started walking around the house trying to figure out what she had. I was convinced that there was no way in hell that just alcohol led her to this. But no one was entirely sure what had happened, they just said that she had been drinking. I eventually got a call from my parents who wanted to know how the party was going. I considered telling them about what had happened, but instead said that everything was fine.
          Now I did not do this to cover the kids in my house, I did this because I felt it was pointless to alarm my parents when they were so far away and it was so late. I also wanted them to enjoy their night without any worries. After I was done talking to them I went back to check on my sister again. I walked back into her room to find her out of her bed and face down on the floor. This story will be concluded in the next post.

Big Brother To The Rescue Part 1

          This took place last year during my younger sisters twentieth birthday party during the winter. My mom and sister practically have their birthday on the same day, so my sister bought my mom and dad tickets to Atlantic City for the night so that they could have a good time together. Of course the other part of her plan was to get our parents out of the house so that she could throw a party with her friends. My mom agreed that it would be OK to have a party while they were gone, so long as it was with a small group of her friends. My mom also asked me to be there so that I could supervise things and keep an eye on the dog.
          In all honesty, I did not want to do it. I had a feeling that something bad was going to happen and since I would be the oldest one there, it would be my responsibility to maintain order. I especially didn't want to do it when my sister told me the party was going to be a bit bigger than she let my mom know. I only agreed to it because my mom begged me to and I wanted to be able to watch over my house and pets.
          So the day of the party arrived and my younger brother, sister, and I, were left alone in the house. I could hang upstairs with the dog, while my brother and sister had their little party downstairs. I would just have to go down occasionally to make sure things were OK. So the friends started to arrive bringing various gifts to the party. After letting a few more arrive I decided to go downstairs and check things out. As I hung around I noticed that it wasn't just her friends that decided to arrive. There was her boyfriends friends, my brothers friends, and some of their friends friends.
          I didn't recognize half, if not more of the kids there. As I suspected would happen, some of the kids had brought alcohol to the party. "Fine" I thought "I didn't provide it, so I can't get into trouble for it. As long as things don't get out of control,  everything will be fine". However, I did start to get anxious when I saw that a small amount of the kids had brought their own marijuana to the party. As tempted as I was to kick them out, I didn't want my sister to get mad at me for harassing her guests. So I decided to have a drink to help calm myself down and just went about doing my own thing.
          About an hour into the party a few of my sisters friends came running up to me saying "Chris, Chelsea needs your help".  "OK" I said "Where is she?". They told me that my sister was in the bathroom. Thinking they were overreacting I casually walked up to the bathroom door and knocked.  "Chell?" I asked "Are you alright?".  "Yea Chris" she said "I'm good". I opened the door to see her on the floor, just barely over the toilet. Figuring she had just drank too much, I decided to just wait outside the door while she tried to get a hold of herself. But instead, I noticed after a while that she was slowly losing conciseness. I decided to find her boyfriend so that he could help me get her up the stairs and into her bed. This story will be continued in the next post.

Tipped Off 2: Machete Man

          This story is similar to the last in that it is about tipping, but the scenario is entirely different. This story took place on an island that my family and I were dropped off on during a cruise. No I don't know the name of the island, I just know it wasn't in the US. Anyway, as my family and I were being driven to the beach of the island, I noticed a man sitting on the side of the road with a pile of coconuts and a machete. What he was doing was making tropical drinks out of the coconuts and opening them with the machete. I had to have one.
          When I was done swimming in the water I asked my mom if I could have money to get a coconut drink from the guy. She gave me the money and I ran over to see the guy on the side of the road. After asking for one, the guy picked up a coconut from the pile and placed it on the log in front of him. He than took the machete and started hacking into it until he made a small opening. He told me to come back when I finished drinking so he could split the coconut open. I paid the man what he asked for and started to turn away with my drink.
          "Hey" he said while raising his machete at me "you no give tip". "Tip?" I thought to myself "Why does he want a tip? The money I paid for the coconut goes straight to him, it's not like he has a boss collecting the sale. Further more, who the hell comes right out and asks for a tip?". I kept my thoughts to myself though and tipped the guy while saying "oh sorry". I'm not about to get into an argument or fight with a guy holding a machete. I than went to the water to enjoy my drink.
          When I was done I remembered that the guy had told me to come back so he could cut the coconut open for me. I made my way to his spot and handed him the coconut. "What took you so long?" he asked as he started to cut into my drink. I explained to him that I had been in the water. When he was done I grabbed the coconut and started to turn. "You no give tip again?" he said while lifting his machete with an irritated look on his face. "Really?" I thought "Is this guy seriously asking for a second tip?".
          As badly as I wanted to walk away, his machete persuaded me to give him something. I reached into my pocket to see if I had even had any money left. I ended up pulling out a single dollar bill. "Oh my God" I thought "I'm going to be decapitated". I handed him the dollar while apologizing that I didn't have more. With an annoyed look he took the dollar from my hand and I went back to the water. I didn't tell my parents about what happened until later.

Tipped Off 1

          This will be a short story. It all started when my mom had dropped me off at the barbers to get a haircut. She gave me the money that I needed and I went inside. After I was done with my haircut I went up to pay the lady. She gave me the price and I took out the money my mom gave me. I noticed that she had given me more than was needed so I just paid the lady the price of the hair cut and held on to the rest of the money. I than walked out of the shop and went to the car. But as I was walking I realized I had forgotten something.
          I turned around and walked back inside. I noticed that the woman who had cut my hair was happy to see me return. At the time I just figured she was being nice. As I walked to one of the chairs I said "I just forgot my coat". I grabbed my coat and walked back outside. I noticed that the barber wasn't too thrilled to see me walk back out.
          Later that night my family and I were all eating dinner and talking. "Oh mom" I said "I just remembered, you gave me too much money for the haircut. I've still got a few dollars left to give back to you". I than took the money out of my pocket and gave it to her. "Chris" she said "You were supposed to give this money to the lady as a tip". "Oh, really?" I said "oops". Now I knew why she had looked happy when I walked back for my coat.

I Want You To Hit Me

          This is another story where I should probably warn you to not try what I did. This story starts by taking place at Dave's dad's house. It was just Dave and I hanging out in his dad's living room while he was off somewhere. At some point during our time down there I hatched an idea. I got up from the couch and said "I want you to hit me". "What?" Dave asked "Why would you want me to do that?". I explained to him that I wanted to harden my gut up and thought that if I had him hit me, it would build up a resistance of muscle.
          "No way, I'm not punching you in the gut" Dave said. "Oh come on" I said "Let's give it a try". After a bit more convincing he gave in. Before he started he said "I'm not going to use full force OK". "Fine" I said. I felt the pressure of his fist hitting me, but it didn't really hurt. "Alright" I said "again". "Again?" he asked. "That's right" I said "keep going". So he hit me again and I was still on my feet. I had him keep punching me for a bit longer. It got to the point where he wanted to end it so he gave a harder shot. The force of his punch made me fall back onto the couch behind me.
          I sat for a second than got back up again. "All right I'm ready" I said. "I'm not hitting you again" he said "I just knocked you into the couch". "Well now I'm back up again" I said "let's go". His next hit was even harder than the last and sent me into the couch again. I sat a bit longer this time and than got back up. "All right I'm good" I said. "No, I'm done" he said "this is sick, I'm gonna end up hurting you". I agreed that it may be time to stop.
          About a week later I had an appointment with the doctor. During that time he did a physical examination on me. When he was done he informed me that he found one of my organs was pressed up against my stomach. He warned that if it received too much physical force or trauma, it could rupture and bleed out. Which would of course lead to my death.
          I immediately thought of how I had just asked Dave to hit me in the same spot. I started laughing to myself about the whole thing. The next time I saw Dave I told him what the doctor said. With a sick look on his face he said "Oh my God, I could've killed. Don't ever ask me to hit you again, cause I'm not doing it".

Music Class

          This story took place over a year ago when I was taking a music class. I was at Dave's house and we were discussing the classes that we had for the semester. After he told me about the business and economic courses he had, I started telling him about my class. I told him how so far my music class had been like a joke. In class our teacher hands out wooden sticks to everyone and we have to follow her lead by tapping the sticks together at a certain beat. I felt like I was in elementary school music class again.
          This didn't sit too well with Dave and he started complaining about how he easy I had it. It was funny to see how mad he got. I found out that a few days later after our conversation that he was struggling in one of his classes. While trying to do his work and getting frustrated, he thought to himself "I f-cken hate him! I have to sit here and do marketing statistics, whiles he's off in his music class tapping two sticks together. This is bull sh-t!" I died laughing when I heard about that.

Celery?

          This is going to be about yet another test that I failed. This test took place during early high school or elementary school, I can't remember which. What I do remember is that it was during our health class and the teacher had just given us a test about nutrition. We had all handed in our tests and after looking over our results, our teacher was mad. She than started giving us a speech about how disappointed she was in us for doing so poorly on the test. After going on about how horrible we did, she decided to use an example.
          She skimmed through the tests and picked up the one that I guess she felt had one of the dumbest answers. "Listen to what this one student wrote" she sad "The question was, name an essential nutrient, this student answered by writing celery". "Celery?" she said again, amazed at the stupidity of the answer. The kids around the table started looking around to see who was the moron that wrote it. I tried so hard to stay quite, but I couldn't hold it in anymore. I burst out laughing as the teacher glared at me. "Be quite Chris" she said "It's not funny". "I'm sorry" I laughed "But it was the only thing I could think of writing". Naturally the rest of the kids started laughing after knowing it was me. This just made the teacher even angrier. For the next few weeks people would people would pass me in the hall and say "Hey Chris, Celery!". It was amazing to learn how many people had found out about my answer.

Nose Bleed

WARNING: I should probably put a warning on this post since it is a bit gruesome and one of my activities was dangerous. So yea, don't try what I did in this.
          With that out of the way, it is very rare for me to get a nose bleed, but when I do, it is bad. It usually ends up happening when it's dry out or if I have a cold. So I was at my house and my nose started to bleed, so I ran to the bathroom and grabbed a piece of toilet paper and shoved it up my nose. But the blood was coming out so fast it was soaking through the paper. I quickly grabbed another piece from the role and got it ready. I kept my face over the toilet as I went to make the switch.
          The moment I took the paper out of my nose, a faucet of blood came out and landed in water of the bowl. I quickly jammed the other piece of toilet paper into my nose as blood dropped onto my hand. I than immediately tilted my head back to stop the blood from coming out. But it didn't do much and I had to again switch to another piece of toilet paper. This time I laid on my back, but the blood just ended up sliding to the back of my throat.
          I got bored waiting and decided there had to be another way to move this process along. I thought to my self "Maybe if I stuff an ice cube up my nose, that will slow the flow of blood". So I got up and walked to the freezer, while trying to keep my nose covered. I grabbed out an ice cube and headed back to the bathroom. I took the toilet paper out of my nostril and put in the ice, which I held with a paper towel.
          It had the opposite effect that I wanted and started making my nose bleed even faster. I decided to give it time to work, but the blood kept pouring out. I eventually gave up and let the ice drop into the toilet. Than a new idea occurred to me "Maybe if I just let it bleed out, it will stop on it's own". So I just kept my head over the toilet letting the blood pour out. I waited, but there was no sign of it slowing down, let alone stopping.
          As I watched the water get redder and started feeling light headed, I thought I might need to call someone for help. It couldn't be healthy to lose this much blood, even if I wasn't in pain. I was strongly considering the idea of making a phone call when yet another idea came to mind. I thought "Maybe I can cauterize it with some fire".
          In a last ditch effort I made my way to our cabinet and took out the lighter we use for lighting our grill. I than went back to the bathroom and tried to figure out how I was going to do it. In the end I decided I should just hold the flame under my nose. So I clicked the flame on and put it under my nostril. I than inhaled through my nose thinking it would help the heat to travel further up.
          When it became more than I could take, I took the flame away and turned off the lighter. To my amazement, it worked. The blood had dried up and was no longer leaking. I put the lighter back and cleaned the toilet, no more problems. However, I did notice that I had managed to singe my eye lashes a little bit. But I did manage to stop my nose from bleeding and was now free to go about my day.

Catching a Con Part 2

          I just sat there looking at the screen not believing what I was seeing. The firm this guy was from was being accused of various acts of fraud and were now being sued by their investors for massive amounts of money. Now he was coming for me in hopes of luring me into their game. I wanted nothing to do with these guys and tried thinking of ways I could get out of the meeting.
          I considered the idea of calling the guy and telling him to turn around or to just bail before he makes it to the college. But those thoughts didn't sit well with me because he may still attempt to contact me afterwords. I also considered the idea of calling my parants for help, but they had no clue about the meeting and I didn't want to worry them. I started to feel a slight panic, until an idea popped into my head.
          I printed out two articles regarding the lawsuit and started highlighting the parts that I felt were important. I than stuffed them into my back pack and waited outside for the guy to arrive. I was nervouse about what I was going to do because I had no idea how he would react. After waiting a few minutes more on a bench, the guy arrived dressed up in a suit and carrying a briefcase. "This is it" I thought "game on".
          I walked up to him and politely welcomed him to the college. We than walked into the college cafeteria and sat down. He opened up his briefcase and started pitching his sale to me. He started by telling me about all the different ways that their firm is able to help their clients and how they can assist me. He also started naming off the investments that they suggest to their customers and how "safe" they are. A lot of what he claimed was actualy a load of crap, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to start an argument.
          He than started talking about what investments he would go about putting my money into. This did not sit well with me because I felt he was acting like I had already agreed to participat. He than wanted to start asking questions about my personal life. I felt that he was going in for the kill, so I decided to beat him to it. It was at this point that I decided to play my trump card.
          "Before we go any further" I said "there is one question I have been dying to ask you". "What's that?" he asked. I unzipped my backpack and took out the articles. After dropping them on the table in front of him I said "What's this all about with you being sued by your investors?" I'd love to know what he was thinking after I pulled that move. He picked the papers off the table and started reading them.
          When done he started claiming that the lawsuit was frivolous and was the result of an unhappy investor. After saying a few more things that he felt would put him in a better light, he tried to get back to our original conversation. I decided to end it right than and there. "Look" I said "I apreciate your time, but I'm not interested." I thanked him for his time and we walked out of the building.
          Later that night, I decided to do more research about the firm out of my own curiousity. I found out that these guys mostly target senior citizens and occasionaly unsophisticated investors. Believe me when I tell you that these guys put alot of people in bad shape.  One of the worst stories I read about was regarding an elderly woman who had invested a large percentage of her money with them. After becomeing ill, she wasn't able to withdraw her money to pay for her bills. Eventualy, she died and as far as I know, her children are still fighting to get their mothers money back. If these people had just checked online, I'm sure they could have found out about the trap they were walking into. Thankfully, I looked before leaping. I haven't heard from anyone at that firm since our last meeting.

Catching a Con Part 1

          This is a story that took place just this summer. If I haven't mentioned it already, I am an investor and am always looking for new ways to expaned my knowledge of the investment world. So one day I was doing some announcing work at a town fair, when I got bored and started roaming the grounds. I came upon a table that was promoting an investment firm. I am not going to give the name of the firm because I don't want them coming after me after I get done bashing them.
          Any way, I noticed that they had some material on their table that they were giving away for free and decided to take a look at what they had. I figured I could read some of their brochures to pass the time until I was needed again. So I walked up to the table and started picking up a few things. As I did, one of the guys behind the table aproached me and introduced himself. He than started questioning me about my knowledge of investing and what investments I was in.
          After giving my answer he started talking to me briefly about his firm and what they do. He than suggested that I leave my contact information with him so that he could send me more information about them. He also wanted to see if we could set up another time that we could meet one on one and talk more. Figuring I had nothing to lose I left him my information and walked off.
          About a week or so later I got a package in the mail that contained more information about the firm. I also got a phone call from the same guy, asking if there was a time and a place that he could meet with me personaly. I ended up deciding to meet with him the following week on my college campus. I started reading the information in the package I had gotten so that I could get a sense of what the firm had to offer.
          I won't lie, alot of what it said fell right in line with my investment goals and beliefs. My only concern was that they were in direct violation of one of my personal investing rules. My rule is that I am the one that manages and chooses my investments. While I am open to advice, I am the one who makes the decisions for what to do with my investments. They wanted me to hand my money over to them, so that they could invest it for me. I still went ahead with the meeting though, because I wanted to see what he had to say.
          The day of the meeting I got out of class and gave the guy a call. He told me that he was on his way and would arrive in about a twenty minutes. I decided to go on one of the college computers to see if I could find any current information about the firm. After a quick google search I found out that they were being sued by there investors for fraud. This story will be concluded in the next post.

The Canadian Boarder

          I think this story is perfect to tell after my last post. It all started during one of the camping trips I went on with Dave and his dad up north. On this trip we had a crowd of four since it was me, Dave, his father, and his fathers friend Hammer. While we were sitting around our campsite, Dave's dad asked us to go buy him another pack of cigarettes. So we hopped into the truck and drove off to find a store.
          We found a local shop and went in to see what they had. Unfortunitly, they didn't sell cigarettes, but they did tell us about another store we could buy them at. We got back in the truck and followed the road they told us to. As we drove we noticed that we had crossed the boarder into Canada, strangly there weren't any police watching the area.
          Eventually we made it to the store and were able to buy Dave's dad's preciouse cigarettes. After we bought two packs or so, we made our way back. As we drove we noticed that a line of cars were forming up ahead at the boarder. The police were now there and were checking people out before letting them cross into the US. So we sat in the line of cars waiting for our turn to go through.
          I than started laughing to myself "Hey Dave, wouldn't it be funny if we got up there and the officer asked us if we were going to America" I said "And in response I said to him si senor, we going to America to look for work". Dave didn't laugh "I swear to God Chris if you pull a stunt like that I will take that cops gun out of his belt and shoot you with it". I started laughing at his response as he continued "You just sit there and be quite. The last time you talked to an officer you got me and my car searched. The guy probably thought you were on some kind of drugs". My laughing eventualy started to calm down as we waited.
          All of a sudden a scary thought went through my mind. "Uh Dave" I said "What if Hammer accidently left his medicine in here?" Dave's eyes got big as the realization hit him. Hammer is a veteran that suffers from some kind of medical problem that I can't remember, to help him cope with the pain he is prescribed legal medical marijuana, he calls it his medicine. "It's OK" Dave said "I'm pretty sure he took it out of the truck with him". "But what if he didn't?" I asked "What if he left it somewhere in here?" "Look" Dave said "If anything happen's we'll call my dad and he'll be able to explain everything".
          We were getting closer to the boarder. "Oh great" I thought "We are so going to jail if it's in here and they find it. There is no way in hell they're going to believe our explination. As for the phone call, I suspect we won't be able to make that until after they have us locked up". This is why I have NEVER taken an illegal drug in my life. It can't possibly be worth the consequence if you get caught.
          Soon we approached the boarder and a patrol officer walked up to us. After looking through the window and in the truck bed, he asked Dave and I some questions. After he was done we were allowed to go through. I can't tell you how relieved I was when we made it. When we got back to the camp, we found out the "medicine" hadn't been in the truck and Dave's dad got his cigarettes.

I'd Be An Illegal Immigrant

          This story took place last year in a history class that I had. At one point during the semester, our professor decided to conduct a little experiment. He wanted to see how college level American students would do taking the immigration test. He felt it was important for kids to understand American history and wanted to see if we were educated enough to pass.
          Our teacher than had us all take out a piece of paper to write our answers on, while he read off the questions. As we took out our paper a student commented "You are going to hate me after this". After hearing that I thought to myself "He may hate you, but he'll want to kill me".
          So the test began and the teacher started giving us the questions. I found a few of the questions easy, such as "Who is the current president?" But most of them turned out to be pretty difficult for me. When it was over, the teacher read off the answer while we checked off if we were right or wrong.
          At the end, the majority of the class had failed the test. While I'm sure a few must have passed, I can't remember them. As for me, I didn't just fail, I bombed the test. My score was lower than the kid who claimed the professor was going to hate him. As far as I know, I had the lowest score in the class. But since the score didn't effect my grade, I could care less. In fact, I found the whole thing to be absolutely hysterical.
          "If I ever went outside the country and lost my ID, there would be no hope for me" I thought to myself. I would end up handing the officer my test and without hearing my results ask "So what boat am I on?" The only way I would be able to get back into American would be if I became an illegal immigrant. I started cracking up after class at the thought.

Let Me Try

          This story took place last year when I was with some buddies at a friends house. While there, our friend Eddie was complaining about how he was having difficulty with a take home quize that he had to do. "Hey Ed" I said "Let me try it out". Eddie handed me the quize and I looked over it. The quize had something to do with buisness and math. I decided to call my friend Dave for help since he was a business major. Unfortunilty he didn't pick up, so I decided to give it a shot myself.
          If I remember correctly, all the questions were multiple choice. So I figured I could find the answer by using the process of elimination. I asked Eddie to hand me his recources and got to work. After I was finished I handed back Eddie's quize and showed him how I got my answers. Him and the others were pretty impressed that I was able to complete the quize. Now relieved of his stress, Eddie was able to enjoy the rest of the night with us.
          A few days later I was walking on campus when I heard someone yelling at me, "YOU F-CKING -SSHOLE!". I turned to see Eddie walking up to me. "What's wrong?" I asked. He had partial smile on his face so I knew he wasn't too mad at me. "I just got my homework back and every question you answered was wrong" he said "I am the only person in the class that failed the take home quize". "My bad, I thought I knew what the answeres were" I said with a smile. I couldn't help but find his reaction funny. "Unbelievable Chris" he said "Never again am I letting you help me with a quize or test". When he was done venting his frustration we went about the rest of our day.
          I told this story to Dave later on and he laughed so hard he was nearly in tears. I think the moral of the story is to do your own homework, but if you must get help, check their answers. Who says my blog posts have no educational value.

Fumes + Spark= Fire

          This story starts when my friend Dave and I went to a flea market and bought ourselves two Zippo lighters. While neither of us smoke, we thought it would be cool to have as a collectable item. We just thought it was neat how they had the outer covering and the cap that opened and closed. After purchasing our new lighters we went to a small local store to buy some lighter fluid. We purchased a bottle and took it back to his house to fill our lighters up.
          We read the directions for the lighters and tried to get the fluid inside. Unfortunately, when we went to fill the lighters, the lighter fluid came out in a gas form. We tried using the gas to fill up the lighter, but it was no use.  After attempting to use what we had, Dave and I came to the conclusion that we needed to go back to the store and trade our gas lighter fluid in for the liquid form. So we hopped back in his car and drove back to the store. I stepped out of the car and went in to exchange our item, Dave stayed in the car.
          I walked in and approached the owner at the front counter. I put the lighter fluid on the counter and said "Hi sir, I was just here with my friend to buy this bottle of lighter fluid. We think you gave us the wrong kind and would like to exchange it" After asking me why, I told him that it wasn't working because we needed the one in liquid form. I spotted what we needed on the shelf and told him I'd take that in exchange. Instead he insisted that the lighter fluid he had given us worked just fine.
          He than asked me to hand over my lighter so that he could show me how it works. So I handed my lighter to him, not wanting to start argument. He than started spraying the fumes into the lighter and than went to light it. As I expected there was a spark, but nothing happened. He went to give it another try and started spraying it into the lighter again. Only this time, he sprayed for a lot longer.
          It got to the point where I could actually see the fumes building up in the air. Now I'v seen enough movies to know what happens when a spark goes off in a room filled with gas. I took a few steps back as the fumes started to get bigger. "This guys not seriously going to light it is he?" I thought to myself. He than went to flick the lighter and the moment it sparked, the air caught fire.
          The owner immediately dropped the lighter and bottle on the desk. "OH SH-T!" I thought "HIS ARMS ON FIRE". The fumes from the bottle must have attached to his arm, so when the the air caught fire, his arm lit up. The owner flailed about smacking his arm in a panic until the fire went out. He quickly regained his composure, gave me my lighter and the the bottle of lighter fluid, and said "See it works".
          I was too shocked to respond so I just took my things off the counter and walked out. As soon as I got back in the car Dave asked "What was that flash in there and why do you still have the same lighter fluid"? I explained everything that happened to him as we drove away to find another store to get the right lighter fluid.

One F-cked Up Individual

          I'm starting to get board of just talking about my old job, so I think it's time to move on to another topic for a while. I have skill for making comments that catch people completely off guard. So for this story I am going to talk about a conversation that took place between my best friend Dave, his father, and I.
          So we were all sitting at the table eating dinner and talking about random stupid things. Eventually Dave's dad asked us "How many children would you like to have and why would you want that many?" I don't remember why the question was asked, it was most likely just for the sake of keeping the conversation going. Dave was the first one to answer, he explained that he would like to have at least two or three kids. At a minimum, he said he wanted two boys that way they could spread the family name.
          After he gave his explanation, Dave's dad turned to me and asked "How about you Chris?" With a straight face I said "I would have to agree with Dave and say that I want around two or three kids". Both of them had a look of agreement on their face, until the next words came out of my mouth. "That way" I continued "If one of them dies, I'll have one or two left over". The both of them just stared stared at me in silence.
          Finally, the silence was broken when Dave's dad started laughing saying "You are one f-cked up individual". He continued cracking up as Dave questioned me about my answer. He especially wanted to know what made me think my kid might die.
          "Well look at it this way" I said "Today you have murder, accidents, suicide, health problems, and numerous other issues that people have to face, which could potentially end their lives." Dave just looked at me in silence, so I decided to continue. "It may sound harsh" I said "But it is a logical answer and is the way some people think about having kids." "What are you talking about" Dave said "Nobody thinks like that". "Sure they do" I said "Not too long ago I was at a family party and my moms friend agreed with the answer I gave about having kids. She also said that there are many people who have that way of thinking."
          "It is not a logical answer" Dave said "my answer about wanting to spread the family name was logical". "I agree, and that is part of my argument" I said "If one of my sons were to die, I would have one left to spread the family name." Dave started getting frustrated with me. "Take me for example" I said "What if at some point during my life I had died from one of my medical problems. While it would be sad, my parents would at least have my brother to spread the family name." Dave gave up trying to argue with me.

How Did That Get In Here?

          This story involves a situation that we weren't allowed to talk about at work due to the potential consiquences if word got out. But now that the movie theater is closed, I think it is safe to tell about this story. One day during my shift, our manager Paul closed the entrance to one of the theaters and told us to not let any customers in. He than had a select few people join him in the theater with brooms and butlers. Butlers are the things used by cleaners to sweep dirt into until they can find a trash can. So I waited outside the theater for a bit until curiousity got the better of me.
          I opened up the door and walked in to find our manager and a few others searching the ground of the theater. "What are you guy's doing?" I asked. "There it is" someone said "Some one head it off at the other end". As I walked down the main walkway, I kept looking under the chairs to see what they were looking at. I watched as some furry animal scampered under the seats. It noticed the person trying to cut it off and started zig zagging in different directions. I wondered how they figured they were going to catch it. I supose they wanted to sweep it into one of the butlers and than take it outside to be released.
          I found the whole thing hilariouse and started laughing. "This isn't funny Chris" said Paul "We can get in seriouse trouble for this". Doing my best to contain my laughter, I decided to lend a hand. I watched as the thing ran back down the floor towards me. Eventualy it ended up in the row right where I was. It turned out that the animal was some kind of chipmunk or squarl, I can't remember which. I had the thing backed against the wall with no where to go, or so I thought.
          The side walls of our theater was layered with carpet, so the animal was able to get a firm grip on it. I watched as it started climbing up the wall in an attempt to escape. I was so facinated by it's climbing that I didn't think to act until a friend yelled at me. "CHRIS GRAB IT!" they yelled. I impulsively felt my arm move to snatch it off the wall with my bare hand. Luckly, I stopped myself before my fingers could wrap around it. The last time I went to hold a wild rodent I was bit and nearly got rabies.
          Not knowing what to do, we watched helplessly as it climbed higher and higher up the wall. I couldn't help but start laughing again at the whole thing. "This is bad guys" Paul said "This is realy bad". A panic started to set in with the managers, but I found it all so very entertaining. I'm pretty sure a few people tried throwing things at it to make it come down, but it was too high and too fast.
          Eventualy it came down on it's own and we somehow managed to shew it out the back exit door. We were pretty sure this is how it got in the theater in the first place. After making sure there was no evidence of it's presence, we were free to let the customers come in and watch their film.

Fear of Heights Part 2

          So as I left off with the last post. My friend, named Steve, wanted the opportunity to learn how to change the movies on the sign. To help me keep watch over my him, I had a fellow employee who was used to doing the job assist us. So I showed Steve the starting routine, this involved figuring out the movies that needed to be changed, getting the right letter cards, and taking the ladder for the climb up. Than I attached the ladder to the sign and made my way up.
          After getting to the top I swung my way under the bar and onto the platform. I than waited for Steve to make his way up. When he got to the top he couldn't figure out how he was supposed to get himself onto the surface. I told him to grab hold of the bar and pull himself up like I did. But because he couldn't reach the bar, he instead grabbed hold of the grated floor and pulled himself onto the platform. I think the other employee had to help Steve get himself fully onto the surface and I'm pretty sure I also had to grab hold of Steve and help him up.
          After a great deal of effort and cursing, Steve made it. He laid down for a second to get himself together. When he felt he was ready, he used the handles on the sided to help himself stand up. "HOLY SH-T!" he yelled "This is up high!" As Steve took in the distance to the ground, the other employee came up the ladder to join us. We had a brief discussion about who was going to do what. It was decided that since Steve was too freaked out, myself and the other employee would worry about changing up the titles. All Steve had to do was hand us the different cards out of the bag when we needed them.
          We finished the one side and were about to move to the other when we realized Steve wasn't going to be able to get across. This is because in order to get to the other side you had to get back onto the ladder and than get off again on the other side of the sign. We decided it would be too much of a hassle to get Steve across, so he agreed to let us leave him on the platform while we took care of the other side. When the other side was done all we had to do was figure out a way to get Steve down.
          As I said in the last post, the ladder was lower than the platform, so in order to get back on you had to find a way to drop on it. If you were skilled enough, you could hold onto one of the bars while dropping yourself onto the ladder. The alternative would be to some how slowly lower yourself, but your legs were gonna dangle before touching the ladder. Knowing there was no way Steve was going to drop off, we had to think of a way to lower him.
          I told him what he needed to do and made sure the other employee was waiting on the ground incase something went wrong. Steve insisted that their was no way he was going to be able to make it. I told him that there was no other way to get him back down. Steve's response could have been a bit more graceful. "F-CK!" he started yelling "THIS F-CKING S-CKS!" One of our managers named Paul happened to be walking in the parking lot when he heard Steve yelling. "STEVE!" Paul shouted "SHUT UP! EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU!" "F-CK YOU PAUL! GET ME THE F-CK DOWN FROM HERE!" Steve replied. Thank God the theater was technically closed or we may have had complaints from a multitude of customers.
          After letting himself calm down a bit, Steve laid down and started to slide legs over the ledge. As soon he felt himself start to dangle, he started yelling again. "STEVE!" Paul yelled "I TOLD YOU TO KEEP QUIET!" But Steve continued. "CALL THE F-CKING FIRE DEPARTMENT!" he screamed. I can just imagine what it would have been like our boss was there. He probably would have had a heart attack seeing Steve dangling in the air and swearing like crazy. I couldn't help but laugh to myself at the idea.
          I told him to move his leg to the side and drop down a bit further. His screaming continued as I helped him to get his footing on the ladder. Slowly he was able to make his way down. Finally, we could put everything away and call it a night. To my knowledge, Steve did not get into trouble for his yelling. So I consider the trial a successful failure.

Fear of Heights Part 1

          One of the "bonus" jobs we had at the movie theater was to post the new movies and times on the big sign outside for all the traffic to see. I call this a bonus job because it was only included when new movies came out, and the person who did it got fifty dollars added to their pay for completeing the task. Now you would think that when your being paid minimum wage everyone one would be fighting for the opportunity to make fifty dollars with one task. But due to the dangers that the job intaled, only a very select few were willing to take up the task. I was one of the few.
          So before I get into the incident that I want to talk about, let me first explain the proccess you had to go through to complete the job. First, you had to figure out what letters and numbers you would need to take up with you for posting the names and times. Than you had to go grab these foot by foot cards with the numbers and letters, and stuff them into a bag which was used to carry them. Once that was together, you needed to grab a ladder out of the closet and take it outsid to the big sign showing the films.
          Now this sign was around ten to fifteen feet in the air, so you needed the ladder to get up. Unfortunitly, the ladder wasn't as long as the pole holding the sign up, so it had to be hooked on from the top. But because the ladder was not touching the ground, it tended to wobble when you went to make your way up. This made it difficult when carrying the bag of cards over your shoulder because they were heavy and you tended to sway back and forth when climbing up.
          Now when you got to the top of the ladder, you had two metal walkways on either side of you because both sides of the sign needed to be changed. There was no step to get onto the platform and the ladder didn't go high enough that you could just walk on. I liked to swing myself on the bar over head and pull myself high enough to get onto the platform. Other people I've seen tended to just grab onto the floor grating of the platform and drag their body up until their face down on the surface. Once that is done, than comes the hard and scary part.
          There were six rows on the sign that needed to be changed and each one went higher up. To get the cards into the sign they had to be slid into their position. To make this process easier, we tended to use a broom to slide the cards into their position. On many ocassions they tended to get stuck so you needed to put in a little more effort to get them into place. So after replacing the first two rows, you than had to move onto the last three, which could not be reached by the metal platform. Instead you had to climb onto two wooden planks which were higher up to reach the last rows.
          Now bear in mind that through out this whole process their is nothing to stop you from falling to the ground. The planks were directly connected to the face of the sign so you only had about two feet of wiggle room. Believe me, it was scary to be up their when a strong wind was blowing. Their was a pipe over head that you could use to hold on, but it was high up and I could only reach it if standing on my toes. Most of the others didn't use it because it just made it harder to maintain your balace or they couldn't reach it. Once on the plank you than had to go through the process again of exchanging cards. The plank was about two thirds as wide as the sign so you needed the broom again to make sure they get to the end.
          The worst thing is when a card got stuck in an area where the plank didn't reach. In those case you had to find a way to reach it with your hand to wiggle it free. In some of those cases I had to grab the pipe over head and shimmy my way to the end. I than had to hold onto the pipe with one arm and use the other arm to fix the stupid card and get it back into position. Because I'm so far to the end, I was beyond the leingth of the platform, so their was nothing but a fifteen foot drop waiting for me if I fell.
          I remeber I once did this during a thunder storm and the others thought I was suicidal. After completing both sides of the sign you had to figure out a way to get back down the ladder and put everything away. I should also probobly mention that these title changes had to be done at night, because the public wasn't supposed to see it happening.
          I apologize for this whole explination taking so long, but I felt it was important for you to understand for the story. You see, a friend of mine at the job wanted me to show him how to change the sign because he had never done it before. So I agreed to show him so he might be able to take over for me some time. It wasn't until I got him onto the first metal platform that I found out he had a terribal fear of heights. This story will be continued.

Asking A Favor

          This will most likely be my last post talking about the ARC. I just couldn't resist telling this last story about another way that the mentally handicapped made things difficult for us at the movie theater. So far I have mentioned a good deal about what makes them hard to deal with, but there is one more thing that they occasionally did that would send us over the edge. I'm not going to come right out and tell you what it was because that would just spoil the story.
          I will start by saying that it all happened one day while I was in the ticket box selling tickets. This worked out for me because someone else was behind the counter and they would have the headache of figuring out the orders. All I had to do was sell them their tickets and they went on their way. After they had gotten their food and drink, they went to their theater to watch their movie. Since all the movies were playing I had nothing to do but stand in the ticket booth and wait for the next wave of shows to start.
          While I was waiting around I noticed one of the workers from the ARC approach one of my fellow employees. Since I had nothing better to do, I decided to try and hear what was being said. I could barely hear them though because the worker was whispering. All I could make out was that she was apologizing for something, but I didn't know what. When the lady was done talking, my friend approached me in the ticket booth with a strange look on her face. As I said in an earlier post, I had a reputation for doing the dirty jobs. So I figured this must be bad if she's coming straight to me for help.
          "Uh Chris" she started "I was hoping to ask you for a favor, but I would totally understand if you didn't want to do it". She seemed kind of timid talking to me, I think she was embarrassed and felt bad asking me to do what needed to be done. I gave her a smile to let her know it was OK to ask me and I asked "What happened?" She than starts telling me how one of the mentally handicapped woman from the group took a dump on the FLOOR of the ladies rest room. Before I could walk off to do the job, I found out there was more to the story. She than goes on to tell me how the lady made an attempt to clean it up by using a paper towel, but all she did was end up smearing it all over the floor.
          Even after hearing that, I didn't back down from the job. I asked her to watch the booth while I went to see how bad it was. After making sure nobody was in the girls bathroom, I walked in and found the feces smeared on the floor just outside one of the stalls. I than walked out of the bathroom and grabbed a can of windex and a bunch of paper towels.
          I than walked back in and had another employee guard the door while I was working. I'm not going to go into any details of the cleaning process, I will just  say that I spent nearly half the time dry heaving. At one point the person guarding the door asked if I was OK. When it was done it was done, and the people from the ARC were able to leave with no problem.
          While this was not the last time we had to deal with them missing the toilet, this was the worst. The best part is that in future occurrences, my boss was around when it happened. We than got to hear him go on a rant about his opinion on the whole matter as he vented his frustration.

The ARC

For this post I am going to talk to you about a group called The ARC. The ARC is an organization that cares for people with different mental handicaps. On various occasions they liked to bring their people to our movie theater as a special trip. When we knew they were coming we braced ourselves, because we knew their was a good chance something bad was going to happen. Things can get very difficult when they arrive and it can put a good amount of stress on new employees who aren't sure what to expect. The first time I had to deal with the ARC I was ready to lose my mind. I was working behind the counter serving drinks, popcorn, and candy, when a male ARC worker walked up to the register with a group of adult mentally handicapped people to order. Being new, I didn't think anything much of the situation. After asking what they wanted, I was met with a multitude of shouts. The guy in charge of them tried to figure out what they wanted and started throwing orders at me. As I was working as fast as I could, I heard one of the handicapped ladies yelling that she wanted an application. Not able to respond to her at the moments I kept working. I got a portion of the orders done and brought them to the desk. I asked what else they wanted. A couple of the the members started telling the guy in charge that they wanted a hot dog. He asked me if we had any and I explained that unfortunately we didn't. After hearing that we didn't have any, one of the older men threw a tantrum. He started yelling and banging his hands on the desk. As I stood their not knowing what to do, the lady from before leaned over the desk yelling "HEY! WHERE'S MY APPLICATION!?". I looked at the guy who was in charge of them, hoping he would do something to help me out. Fortunately he was able to calm the one guy down who wanted a hotdog, but did nothing about the lady. I wasn't sure if I should give her the application or not, because I knew their was no way my boss was going to hire her. I know this because they had already talked to my boss about employing some of their members and he made it clear he never would. I was also worried that I would get into trouble for using up one of the application sheets. After being yelled at again I asked to be excused while I got the application. I walked up to one of my fellow workers and asked what I should do about the lady. They told me to just go ahead and giver her the application, the boss would deal with it later. I snatched one of the applications out of the cabinet and went back to my spot, handing it to the lady. I than managed to get the rest of the orders done. All they had to do was pay and it would be over. But than after having the guy pay, he asked for a receipt. The problem was because he payed with cash I couldn't print out a receipt. But he insisted he needed a receipt because he had to prove to the organization that he had only spent money on what was necessary for the trip. I asked one of the workers what I should do. They printed out a piece of paper used for tickets and told me to write down the orders with a pen. So than I had to walk back and go through the orders again so I could write them down. This involved collecting some of the mentally handicapped people, because a few of them had started to wander around. After a bit of chaos trying to figure out who had what, I was finally able to sign their paper and they went off to see their movie. I gave myself a second to let my nerves calm down, than I went to sweep up the messes they had made in the lobby. It was insane.

Worst Kind of Customer Part 2

          I am now going to give you my number one choice for the worst customer. I can almost guarantee none of you saw this pick coming. So coming in at number one we have, Mentally Handicapped People. Now I understand that sounds like a mean and cruel thing to say, but please give me the chance to explain my reasoning.
          First off, I am very sympathetic to those that suffer from any medical condition, especially those that suffer from mental disorders. I cannot stress enough that I am in no way picking on anybody, but after my time at the theater I have learned of the potential problems that they can present. This is in large part due to their lack of self control. I don't want to give any of my personal stories away yet, so I will tell you about two other cases I know about. One happened one day while my mom and I were at blockbuster.
          We had picked out our movie and had gone up to the register to check out. The kid behind the counter fumbled with what he was doing and looked a bit shaken up. After taking a bit longer than he should have, he looked up at us and apologized for taking to long. He than explained that before we had walked through the door, a mentally handicapped guy had come in looking for a movie to rent.
          When it was explained they didn't carry the move he wanted, the guy completely flipped out. The poor kid explained that he didn't know what to do and that he thought the guy was going to take a swing at him. Fortunately, they were able to get the guy out without anybody getting hurt. After hearing the kids story a sympathetic smile came over my face. As I went to grab the movie I said "It's OK bud, I know how you feel".
          I can say first hand that it is SCARY when your a worker and a mentally handicapped adult flips out on you. You are worried that they may hurt you, someone, or damage something and you have little chance of talking them down. If you try to stop them using physical restraint, than you are looking at a potential lawsuit on your hands for touching them. The only saving grace is that the person they are with is able to stop them. Another case I heard of was a story on the radio.
          Ironically, this story took place at some other movie theater. What happened was a family had gone to see a movie and brought along someone that was mentally handicapped. During the movie, people would come out and complain to the manager that the mentally handicapped person was interrupting the film by making noises. After taking so many complaints the manager gave in. He walked into the theater and told the family that they had to take their mentally handicapped family member out of the theater.
          Of course the family considered this request to be extremely offensive. I don't know for sure, but I believe the family took legal action against the theater, which is why their story caught the attention of the media. So than of course everyone all of a sudden comes running to the mentally handicapped persons defense and they basically crucify the manager saying that he is a mean and heartless person for what he did. This of course led to him getting trashed on the air.
          What makes mentally handicapped people such a dreaded customer is that it is nearly impossible to know what to do when something goes wrong. Especially when you know that if you make the wrong move, you may end up being the bad guy or girl because of it.